Dream Cheating,

 So I woke up this morning after what felt like a lengthy dream about Isaiah cheating on me with a girl from our past. Ive heard that when you dream about being cheated on its your subconscious telling you that this is a fear of yours and some people have gone as far as to confront their partner because of their dreams because they believed there was some truth in them. Now Isaiah recently saw this girl at a bridal function he went to for work and he said she was sick looking, stressed maybe drugs but that he didnt see the pretty girl from not too long ago, now I dont know if he fibbed to make me feel better because at that time when she was around she and i were sort of competing for the affections of Isaiah and I lost. Not ultimately but that battle was not mine to win. At the time I was infatuated with the idea of a "perfect" relationship and was willing to do just about anything to get it. Boy was I wrong. There is no perfect relationship there are great loves and thats what Isaiah and I have, we could get divorced tomorrow but I truly believe that we would meet again because that has been our path. No matter what we've always found each other. So back to the dream, I dreamt that I wasnt lets say satisfying him as well or as much as I should have and he chose to cheat in dreamland with this girl and so I did a little googling (yes i googled) and one site came up and it says that when you dream cheat or dream of being cheated on it means that our love isnt real and that we are just waiting until the BIG BREAKUP DUN DUN DUUUUN!  I saw that and instead of worrying or overthinking any of it I laughed incredibly loud and thought geez some people will believe anything. Im not doubting that in my subconscious I worry he will find me unattractive because of Cf stuff or that I dont have the same body as I did when I was 17 but I trust him. And as my bestie put it "you've already been through everything a couple could go through in your 10 years on and off that if one of you were unhappy you could just tell each other" Shes so right. At this point its not that im not scared to lose him, or that i dont care im confident in our relationship that if there was gonna be cheating I cant change it and im not gonna worry myself to death over the possibility. (again referring to my zen outlook these days)

...And anyway shes got a kid, he doesnt do children so Im safe from her ;)

Ehhh

 So I've been taking a very zen approach to life these days, I cut some people out who were nothing but drama and have pretty much been drama free for about a week. Its been nicerelaxingcoolamazing to sign onto facebook and not see my newsfeed full of bull shit from other people complaining about other people who they then go and talk to and want to be besties with..kinda odd. I removed all affiliation with CF and that drama because it took me a while but i realized I wasnt raised to let CF define me and therefore have no need to feel support 24/7 because its not a major part of my life, its a small part that occasionally tries to take over until i beat it down with antibiotics. ;) It was nice getting to complain to people who 100 percent get it but at the same time I have a pretty awesome group of people who i neglected because I wanted to know other Cfers and that wasnt cool man. You know the other night was the first time in a looooooong time I went to a bar and had a kick ass time, wish the hubby could have gone though he was seriously missing =( 

 I have not heard from dear old "dad" since the dna test and to be honest i only miss him sometimes but how can you miss someone who never wanted to love you? I may be biased but I think Im pretty awesome and if you dont wanna be apart of that "dad" thats cool. His child support check didnt show this week and Im not surprised. But more surprisingly Im not angry either. Less than a month ago i would have flipped my lid and been trying to find a way to cuss him out but now I just dont care to waste the energy. 


"Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
the courage to change the things I can, and
the wisdom to know the difference."

^^ thats been my motto these days and i feel like im doing pretty good. Heading into the holidays and I cant even tell you how excited I am. I love all that holiday junk, the lights, the music, everyones energy! Its all pretty fantastic!!