Dream Cheating,

 So I woke up this morning after what felt like a lengthy dream about Isaiah cheating on me with a girl from our past. Ive heard that when you dream about being cheated on its your subconscious telling you that this is a fear of yours and some people have gone as far as to confront their partner because of their dreams because they believed there was some truth in them. Now Isaiah recently saw this girl at a bridal function he went to for work and he said she was sick looking, stressed maybe drugs but that he didnt see the pretty girl from not too long ago, now I dont know if he fibbed to make me feel better because at that time when she was around she and i were sort of competing for the affections of Isaiah and I lost. Not ultimately but that battle was not mine to win. At the time I was infatuated with the idea of a "perfect" relationship and was willing to do just about anything to get it. Boy was I wrong. There is no perfect relationship there are great loves and thats what Isaiah and I have, we could get divorced tomorrow but I truly believe that we would meet again because that has been our path. No matter what we've always found each other. So back to the dream, I dreamt that I wasnt lets say satisfying him as well or as much as I should have and he chose to cheat in dreamland with this girl and so I did a little googling (yes i googled) and one site came up and it says that when you dream cheat or dream of being cheated on it means that our love isnt real and that we are just waiting until the BIG BREAKUP DUN DUN DUUUUN!  I saw that and instead of worrying or overthinking any of it I laughed incredibly loud and thought geez some people will believe anything. Im not doubting that in my subconscious I worry he will find me unattractive because of Cf stuff or that I dont have the same body as I did when I was 17 but I trust him. And as my bestie put it "you've already been through everything a couple could go through in your 10 years on and off that if one of you were unhappy you could just tell each other" Shes so right. At this point its not that im not scared to lose him, or that i dont care im confident in our relationship that if there was gonna be cheating I cant change it and im not gonna worry myself to death over the possibility. (again referring to my zen outlook these days)

...And anyway shes got a kid, he doesnt do children so Im safe from her ;)

Ehhh

 So I've been taking a very zen approach to life these days, I cut some people out who were nothing but drama and have pretty much been drama free for about a week. Its been nicerelaxingcoolamazing to sign onto facebook and not see my newsfeed full of bull shit from other people complaining about other people who they then go and talk to and want to be besties with..kinda odd. I removed all affiliation with CF and that drama because it took me a while but i realized I wasnt raised to let CF define me and therefore have no need to feel support 24/7 because its not a major part of my life, its a small part that occasionally tries to take over until i beat it down with antibiotics. ;) It was nice getting to complain to people who 100 percent get it but at the same time I have a pretty awesome group of people who i neglected because I wanted to know other Cfers and that wasnt cool man. You know the other night was the first time in a looooooong time I went to a bar and had a kick ass time, wish the hubby could have gone though he was seriously missing =( 

 I have not heard from dear old "dad" since the dna test and to be honest i only miss him sometimes but how can you miss someone who never wanted to love you? I may be biased but I think Im pretty awesome and if you dont wanna be apart of that "dad" thats cool. His child support check didnt show this week and Im not surprised. But more surprisingly Im not angry either. Less than a month ago i would have flipped my lid and been trying to find a way to cuss him out but now I just dont care to waste the energy. 


"Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
the courage to change the things I can, and
the wisdom to know the difference."

^^ thats been my motto these days and i feel like im doing pretty good. Heading into the holidays and I cant even tell you how excited I am. I love all that holiday junk, the lights, the music, everyones energy! Its all pretty fantastic!! 

Puffy eyes

 So about a week ago my right eye got all swollen and it hurt so bad. I couldnt open it or close it without there being such terrible pain. The only way I could find relief was if I cried. So I cried a lot this past week. I called the doctor who couldnt see me but could prescribe me eyedrops over the phone so I have been taking them 4 times a day as i was told to do I just didnt know how long to take them and yesterday I didnt take any at all because my eye looked and felt great BUT now of course it is swollen and puffy and hurts again so I restarted the eye drops BUUUT I told you all that So i could tell you how awful Ive been feeling because I am a makeup addict. I rarely go anywhere without a full face of makeup on. I mean I put make up on before I go to the gym. And this whooole week I havent been able to wear any! I am losing my mind. I absolutely hate this. I had to throw out all my eye make up and I bought some thats new and its pretty and I cant wear it because my eye hates me and wants me to suffer!!!! Hopefully a few more days and my eye will love me again and I can look pretty again!

"Someone Like You"

I heard
That you're settled down
That you
Found a girl
And you're
Married now

I heard
That your dreams came true.
Guess she gave you things
I didn't give to you

Old friend
Why are you so shy?
Ain't like you to hold back
Or hide from the light

I hate to turn up out of the blue uninvited
But I couldn't stay away, I couldn't fight it.
I had hoped you'd see my face and that you'd be reminded
That for me it isn't over

Never mind, I'll find someone like you
I wish nothing but the best for you too
Don't forget me, I beg
"I'll remember", you said,
Sometimes it lasts in love
But sometimes it hurts instead.
Sometimes it lasts in love
But sometimes it hurts instead,
Yeah.

You know how the time flies
Only yesterday
It was the time of our lives
We were born and raised
In a summer haze
Bound by the surprise
Of our glory days

I hate to turn up out of the blue uninvited
But I couldn't stay away, I couldn't fight it.
I had hoped you'd see my face and that you'd be reminded
That for me it isn't over.

Never mind, I'll find someone like you
I wish nothing but the best for you too
Don't forget me, I beg
"I'll remember", you said,
Sometimes it lasts in love
But sometimes it hurts instead.

Nothing compares
No worries or cares
Regrets and mistakes
They are memories made.
Who would have known
How bittersweet this would taste?

Never mind, I'll find someone like you
I wish nothing but the best for you
Don't forget me, I beg
"I'll remember", you said,
Sometimes it lasts in love
But sometimes it hurts instead.

Never mind, I'll find someone like you
I wish nothing but the best for you too
Don't forget me, I beg
"I'll remember", you said,
Sometimes it lasts in love
But sometimes it hurts instead.

Sometimes it lasts in love
But sometimes it hurts instead. 

   Not entirely sure why but this song breaks my heart every time I hear it. And its been on replay in my head a lot lately. Usually when I've found a song like this it relates to something in my life. But for some reason I cannot find a reason to love it like i do. Something to ponder I suppose. 

 Havent really gone into my health recently and I have to tell you its kind of a relief. I went through my phase of " I should talk about my cf, find others like me who get it" and I found a few or rather 2 that I am close to and thats enough for me. I dont need the drama that a lot of them tend to bring. I am perfectly content to just not talk about it and go about my daily business. But in case any of you were worried. Im good. Breathing good, doing all the stupid stuff im supposed to lol.. 

  Tomorrow is Payday I am sooooooooo jazzed! On the 15th I get my nails done and then I am saving the rest. I might just might make an appointment to start a diff tattoo, I know Isaiah doesnt like the idea since I havent finished my side so I probably wont but I dont know I want something different. Ehh I guess we'll see. 

Weekends SUCK

 Ok so I worked my first sunday..i least i think it was. Omg soooo busy it never stopped which is not my complaint. My complaint is for ALL parents who ignore their child screamingbellowingcryingsobbingwhininghittingcomplaininglickingthecounter. Basically all of that <-- nonsense needs to stop. NOW. Now no i do not have children but being around children like this make me feel blessed that I am childless because quite honestly I dont know how you proud parents do it. It must be rewarding or something because I wanted to smack these children and parents over the head. I dont doubt its hard going shopping with little ones and its tough hearing "i want I need I want" allll day but my god if your child is screeching like a banchee PLEASE take them outside or try to console them or something. Ignoring them completely only makes them louder and makes others in the store want to suffocate you with plastic bags. 

On a completely separate note I spotted the elusive BearCat tonight and threw my phone and chased him down the street demanding he let me love him. The little bastard got away...but my phone did not. space key is permanently stuck down. Awesome. 

Oh no...IM old

SO I am minding my own business getting ready for a night of some sushi when OUT OF NO WHERE I notice my roots are GRAY. Yes as in "old lady please get in the slow lane because you are old" gray. I have no idea what I am going to do. Well obviously a dye job is in order but do you know what this means?! My hair is ready to be middle aged and my body is right there encouraging it! So now what do I have to look forward to? Depends? Those ugly old people velcro shoes? I guess I should order a pair in tan and black since I wear those the most and consider getting my mouth fitted for dentures...Maybe one of those Life Alert systems so when Isaiah goes to work and I fall at least someone can help me when I break a hip. Today I woke up and thought "today is gonna be crap, go back to sleep" BUT nooooooo I wanted to get up and go, little did I know my body is ready to settle down in one of those motorized chairs and continue the damn aging process. Better get to bed it is nine after all. OLD OLD OLD 

Finally Found It.

  So we found THE apartment! *cue angelic music and bright shiny light* Its freakin magical! Upstairs unit with vaulted ceilings, HUGE living room and dining room annnnd the bedroom is gorgeous!! My only iffy part is that there are a ton of redwood trees all around the complex so there are a TON of spiders. Of all shapes and sizes. Its a little creepy but Isaiah says as long as we sweep around the door and get some eucalyptus oil for around the doors and windows so they run screaming from us! hehe. I am so excited and anxious to move in!!  OOH and the best part its only 875 a month with a 1075 deposit!! Yee!! So now its major save save save.

  I am pretty jazzed that summer is almost over, or rather feels like its already over. I am ready for pumpkins and leaves on the ground and of course Halloween candy!!!! 

 On a happy note Isaiah got promoted at work YAY! He is now Mr Manager of Operations so he's been in good spirits lately and Ive been riding on his coat tails of happiness lol. Finally it feels like all the crap we've dealt with and all the tough times are coming out with us on top. =)