OMG

    I seriously just almost had a panic attack, I've been away from the computer for a looooong time and for some reason my blog was no where to be found! It kept saying I didnt exist so I looked at myself and said "YES I DO WHERE IS MY BLOG MR.BLOGSPOT?! My entire profile was missing, no picture, no info, nothing. But here we are and I am so happy my blog is still intact. YAY!!!! Do the happy dance! 

    So why I have been away so long I did promise to go into what was going on with my "dad" the next time I wrote but things got hectic in my personal life and oh boy its been crazy. My nanny (moms mom) had to have surgery, she has diverticulitis and had a surgery in the 1980s that has caused her stomach problems for most of my life so she was hospitalized again for the pains in her stomach and she had surgery on Thursday, they removed a bunch of scar tissue and now she should be on her way to recovery, so hopefully there won't be any more problems and she'll be up and running in a few weeks =) 

    Now we'll do a quick recap of my life and my issues with "dad". He left me and my mom when I was less than a year old, he was addicted to drugs most of my life and popped up when I was 20. But not before calling me when I was like 7 and promising to play Candyland with me when he sobered up, needless to say I have trust issues. Especially because he didn't get sober until I was 20. I met him, it was incredibly awkward and his girlfriend didn't like me too much. We texted because I am not much of a phone person, I always struggle with what to say so I am more comfortable with texting. And she convinced him that texting wasn't enough so he and I had several fights and at one point he said the words that I'll never forgive "your mom was right you are a spoiled little bitch" So I froze him out and didn't bother caring when I didnt text daily or return his calls. I talked to him once last year and it was after my birthday. Then by thanksgiving he had fallen off the face of the earth again, I didnt know what to think so I texted on holidays and when he didnt return my texts I was indifferent. Then my nanny called around and found out from his current girlfriend that he thought we would have this amazing relationship and we would talk everyday, so I didnt text him after that until my nanny got sick. He couldnt even text me back. I called him on his birthday just to bring home the point that you may forget me and my important days but I wont forget yours and he texted me and said he "wasnt in a good place to talk" whatever that means. So Ive been angry and annoyed and borderline psycho thinking about driving to where he lives and beating him with something hard and metal but jail time doesnt seem worth it and I cant imagine it would do wonders for my CF. And then the day of the surgery I texted him and  told him and guess what! He answered! It was crazy.  Says he was being selfish and he wants to see me. I dont know if he is being sincere or if he feels like he has to do this to get into heaven on October 21st lol. All I know is I dont need another "man" coming into my life just to run and hide when they get their feelings hurt. 


     Well I am off to watch Sex and the City and lay in bed until Isaiah gets home.

1,2,3, 1

   So in the car driving today on our adventure I noticed that I count. I count cars I count the little dots in the middle of the road I count brake lights, I count trees, I count pretty much anything. But only to 3 and then its back to 1. I was thinking about why I do this and what it means. I worried maybe I am crazy, maybe my brain can't remember the number 4...maybe if I counted past 3 I would just continue counting until I a) ran out of numbers or b) lost my mind completely. And its all the time not just in cars but when I walk somewhere...when I run at the gym I count everything, people coming in, people leaving, cars driving past, how many times I change the song on my ipod before I find one worth listening to. I don't know when it started I remember counting when I was little when I walked somewhere I would try to make it to six steps in one square of the sidewalk..but then I was counting to 6 and then back to 1...somewhere along my aging I've lost 4, 5, and 6 now its just 3. 1, 2, 3, 1, 1, 2, 3, 1. I dont know how to explain it. When I watch tv I trace certain words on my leg. Anything that catches my hearing I doodle out in cursive on my leg. I count to relieve anxiety in the car, maybe out of fear that if I dont I will become a backseat driver and point out things that I notice the driver is doing that I wouldnt do. Im not sure.  Maybe to keep me from becoming car sick. Or completely convinced that I am going to die in a car accident. Counting is comforting but at the same time nerve racking. Why can i not get to 4? Who knows? Maybe its just being apart of my family has driven me insane that I have to count so that I dont flip out and kill everybody...just kidding. Hmm something to think about I guess. Tomorrow I think I will discover why my dad bothers me so much....til then xoxox

grr

   So I am feeling icky. I have been having good days and bad lately, like for the past few weeks I have been running a higher body temperature, and then my nose is all congested and now today my throat is killing me and I can't really talk all the much. Which I hate because I love to talk haha. I hate feeling bad. Hopefully I will start to feel better soon otherwise I am going to have to go to the doctors. There are definitely days I wish this wasn't a normal thing for me. I wish I didn't have to deal with all the cf bs but its not so bad. I definitely have it better than some people and I just need to remember that. So hopefully some dayquil and tea will make me feel better soon. I might have to go get myself some amazing soup. =)