Dream Cheating,

 So I woke up this morning after what felt like a lengthy dream about Isaiah cheating on me with a girl from our past. Ive heard that when you dream about being cheated on its your subconscious telling you that this is a fear of yours and some people have gone as far as to confront their partner because of their dreams because they believed there was some truth in them. Now Isaiah recently saw this girl at a bridal function he went to for work and he said she was sick looking, stressed maybe drugs but that he didnt see the pretty girl from not too long ago, now I dont know if he fibbed to make me feel better because at that time when she was around she and i were sort of competing for the affections of Isaiah and I lost. Not ultimately but that battle was not mine to win. At the time I was infatuated with the idea of a "perfect" relationship and was willing to do just about anything to get it. Boy was I wrong. There is no perfect relationship there are great loves and thats what Isaiah and I have, we could get divorced tomorrow but I truly believe that we would meet again because that has been our path. No matter what we've always found each other. So back to the dream, I dreamt that I wasnt lets say satisfying him as well or as much as I should have and he chose to cheat in dreamland with this girl and so I did a little googling (yes i googled) and one site came up and it says that when you dream cheat or dream of being cheated on it means that our love isnt real and that we are just waiting until the BIG BREAKUP DUN DUN DUUUUN!  I saw that and instead of worrying or overthinking any of it I laughed incredibly loud and thought geez some people will believe anything. Im not doubting that in my subconscious I worry he will find me unattractive because of Cf stuff or that I dont have the same body as I did when I was 17 but I trust him. And as my bestie put it "you've already been through everything a couple could go through in your 10 years on and off that if one of you were unhappy you could just tell each other" Shes so right. At this point its not that im not scared to lose him, or that i dont care im confident in our relationship that if there was gonna be cheating I cant change it and im not gonna worry myself to death over the possibility. (again referring to my zen outlook these days)

...And anyway shes got a kid, he doesnt do children so Im safe from her ;)

Ehhh

 So I've been taking a very zen approach to life these days, I cut some people out who were nothing but drama and have pretty much been drama free for about a week. Its been nicerelaxingcoolamazing to sign onto facebook and not see my newsfeed full of bull shit from other people complaining about other people who they then go and talk to and want to be besties with..kinda odd. I removed all affiliation with CF and that drama because it took me a while but i realized I wasnt raised to let CF define me and therefore have no need to feel support 24/7 because its not a major part of my life, its a small part that occasionally tries to take over until i beat it down with antibiotics. ;) It was nice getting to complain to people who 100 percent get it but at the same time I have a pretty awesome group of people who i neglected because I wanted to know other Cfers and that wasnt cool man. You know the other night was the first time in a looooooong time I went to a bar and had a kick ass time, wish the hubby could have gone though he was seriously missing =( 

 I have not heard from dear old "dad" since the dna test and to be honest i only miss him sometimes but how can you miss someone who never wanted to love you? I may be biased but I think Im pretty awesome and if you dont wanna be apart of that "dad" thats cool. His child support check didnt show this week and Im not surprised. But more surprisingly Im not angry either. Less than a month ago i would have flipped my lid and been trying to find a way to cuss him out but now I just dont care to waste the energy. 


"Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
the courage to change the things I can, and
the wisdom to know the difference."

^^ thats been my motto these days and i feel like im doing pretty good. Heading into the holidays and I cant even tell you how excited I am. I love all that holiday junk, the lights, the music, everyones energy! Its all pretty fantastic!! 

Puffy eyes

 So about a week ago my right eye got all swollen and it hurt so bad. I couldnt open it or close it without there being such terrible pain. The only way I could find relief was if I cried. So I cried a lot this past week. I called the doctor who couldnt see me but could prescribe me eyedrops over the phone so I have been taking them 4 times a day as i was told to do I just didnt know how long to take them and yesterday I didnt take any at all because my eye looked and felt great BUT now of course it is swollen and puffy and hurts again so I restarted the eye drops BUUUT I told you all that So i could tell you how awful Ive been feeling because I am a makeup addict. I rarely go anywhere without a full face of makeup on. I mean I put make up on before I go to the gym. And this whooole week I havent been able to wear any! I am losing my mind. I absolutely hate this. I had to throw out all my eye make up and I bought some thats new and its pretty and I cant wear it because my eye hates me and wants me to suffer!!!! Hopefully a few more days and my eye will love me again and I can look pretty again!

"Someone Like You"

I heard
That you're settled down
That you
Found a girl
And you're
Married now

I heard
That your dreams came true.
Guess she gave you things
I didn't give to you

Old friend
Why are you so shy?
Ain't like you to hold back
Or hide from the light

I hate to turn up out of the blue uninvited
But I couldn't stay away, I couldn't fight it.
I had hoped you'd see my face and that you'd be reminded
That for me it isn't over

Never mind, I'll find someone like you
I wish nothing but the best for you too
Don't forget me, I beg
"I'll remember", you said,
Sometimes it lasts in love
But sometimes it hurts instead.
Sometimes it lasts in love
But sometimes it hurts instead,
Yeah.

You know how the time flies
Only yesterday
It was the time of our lives
We were born and raised
In a summer haze
Bound by the surprise
Of our glory days

I hate to turn up out of the blue uninvited
But I couldn't stay away, I couldn't fight it.
I had hoped you'd see my face and that you'd be reminded
That for me it isn't over.

Never mind, I'll find someone like you
I wish nothing but the best for you too
Don't forget me, I beg
"I'll remember", you said,
Sometimes it lasts in love
But sometimes it hurts instead.

Nothing compares
No worries or cares
Regrets and mistakes
They are memories made.
Who would have known
How bittersweet this would taste?

Never mind, I'll find someone like you
I wish nothing but the best for you
Don't forget me, I beg
"I'll remember", you said,
Sometimes it lasts in love
But sometimes it hurts instead.

Never mind, I'll find someone like you
I wish nothing but the best for you too
Don't forget me, I beg
"I'll remember", you said,
Sometimes it lasts in love
But sometimes it hurts instead.

Sometimes it lasts in love
But sometimes it hurts instead. 

   Not entirely sure why but this song breaks my heart every time I hear it. And its been on replay in my head a lot lately. Usually when I've found a song like this it relates to something in my life. But for some reason I cannot find a reason to love it like i do. Something to ponder I suppose. 

 Havent really gone into my health recently and I have to tell you its kind of a relief. I went through my phase of " I should talk about my cf, find others like me who get it" and I found a few or rather 2 that I am close to and thats enough for me. I dont need the drama that a lot of them tend to bring. I am perfectly content to just not talk about it and go about my daily business. But in case any of you were worried. Im good. Breathing good, doing all the stupid stuff im supposed to lol.. 

  Tomorrow is Payday I am sooooooooo jazzed! On the 15th I get my nails done and then I am saving the rest. I might just might make an appointment to start a diff tattoo, I know Isaiah doesnt like the idea since I havent finished my side so I probably wont but I dont know I want something different. Ehh I guess we'll see. 

Weekends SUCK

 Ok so I worked my first sunday..i least i think it was. Omg soooo busy it never stopped which is not my complaint. My complaint is for ALL parents who ignore their child screamingbellowingcryingsobbingwhininghittingcomplaininglickingthecounter. Basically all of that <-- nonsense needs to stop. NOW. Now no i do not have children but being around children like this make me feel blessed that I am childless because quite honestly I dont know how you proud parents do it. It must be rewarding or something because I wanted to smack these children and parents over the head. I dont doubt its hard going shopping with little ones and its tough hearing "i want I need I want" allll day but my god if your child is screeching like a banchee PLEASE take them outside or try to console them or something. Ignoring them completely only makes them louder and makes others in the store want to suffocate you with plastic bags. 

On a completely separate note I spotted the elusive BearCat tonight and threw my phone and chased him down the street demanding he let me love him. The little bastard got away...but my phone did not. space key is permanently stuck down. Awesome. 

Oh no...IM old

SO I am minding my own business getting ready for a night of some sushi when OUT OF NO WHERE I notice my roots are GRAY. Yes as in "old lady please get in the slow lane because you are old" gray. I have no idea what I am going to do. Well obviously a dye job is in order but do you know what this means?! My hair is ready to be middle aged and my body is right there encouraging it! So now what do I have to look forward to? Depends? Those ugly old people velcro shoes? I guess I should order a pair in tan and black since I wear those the most and consider getting my mouth fitted for dentures...Maybe one of those Life Alert systems so when Isaiah goes to work and I fall at least someone can help me when I break a hip. Today I woke up and thought "today is gonna be crap, go back to sleep" BUT nooooooo I wanted to get up and go, little did I know my body is ready to settle down in one of those motorized chairs and continue the damn aging process. Better get to bed it is nine after all. OLD OLD OLD 

Finally Found It.

  So we found THE apartment! *cue angelic music and bright shiny light* Its freakin magical! Upstairs unit with vaulted ceilings, HUGE living room and dining room annnnd the bedroom is gorgeous!! My only iffy part is that there are a ton of redwood trees all around the complex so there are a TON of spiders. Of all shapes and sizes. Its a little creepy but Isaiah says as long as we sweep around the door and get some eucalyptus oil for around the doors and windows so they run screaming from us! hehe. I am so excited and anxious to move in!!  OOH and the best part its only 875 a month with a 1075 deposit!! Yee!! So now its major save save save.

  I am pretty jazzed that summer is almost over, or rather feels like its already over. I am ready for pumpkins and leaves on the ground and of course Halloween candy!!!! 

 On a happy note Isaiah got promoted at work YAY! He is now Mr Manager of Operations so he's been in good spirits lately and Ive been riding on his coat tails of happiness lol. Finally it feels like all the crap we've dealt with and all the tough times are coming out with us on top. =) 
 

Its been a while.

  Oh my is has been a little bit since I have posted, a lot has been going on. We lost internet for a while and I cannot post from my phone because it is lame! But here I am. I started working, its been....crazyannoyingstressfulscarymakesmetiredmakesmegrouchy. But at least there is new money flow which will help us to get an apartment. We might have put off moving out until later simply to save all of my income so that we may have deposit money and at least 2 months rent saved up. But Isaiah and I agreed that we should do something each month to spoil ourselves so I am going to get my nails done. Just gotta find the right nail person and get a move on lol. TODAY IS PAYDAY!!! I am a little excited if you couldn't tell. My health is good right now, I am taking care of myself so that I dont get sick too often because that would be totally lame. Man all I wanna do today is lay around the house and watch cartoons but I must go to work, its only 4 hours but still. But saturday and sunday I am off so its all good. 

  So on a "Loser Sperm Donor" update!!!!!! He has been talking to me every few days I guess would be how I would describe it, we text when his girlfriend isnt home (doesnt that seem a little odd?) Now he never came right out and said that he only talked to me when she wasnt around buuuuut he did mention every time we talked he was at home while she was working. So we talked kinda randomly not about anything important but things seemed to be going alright when all of a sudden he texts me on Monday of this week and says and I quote "Megan, I want to ask u something. I would hope u understand this. I just need us both to know cuz somethings been in my head since I met you and found out scott adopted you at 11. I would like to dna us because I think its fair to both of us , if scott in fact did adopt u at 11 then my rights should be no more. I want u to have everything u deserve, I just need to be sure. Me and ur mom happened so fast I just need to be sure." and then offers "I love u and thats not going to change no matter what outcome is i would hope you understand this" Now at first I was shocked. Then raged and now I am laughable. I called my nanny and told her,  I called my mother and told her. AND then my aunt uncle and cousin got involved. So needless to say I havent heard from that DRUG ADDICTED MAMAS BOY WHO CLEARLY DOESNT HOLD HIS OWN BALLS since monday. But I dont know so much drama. what a loser.

arrggg

  So I went for a job interview today, it was totally lame. First I got there and she was with a customer so I waited, she asked if I was Megan and I said "Yes I am" She then said "I'll be with you in just a minute" and after every customer left (which was not the bad part I kind of expected her to help everyone first) she stood there for ten minutes talking with her sales assistant about absolutely nothing and finally decided she could interview me. We went outside the store where she proceeded to ask me all sorts of questions but could never make eye contact with me and kept "forgetting" what she was supposed to ask. I sail through all random and out there questions answering honestly and politely with a smile and rarely looking anywhere but at her and at the end of the interview she asked me if I had any questions, honestly I never even thought of asking anything other than when can I start, I reeeaallllyyy want this job, and then she says to me, "well I am waiting for a girl to come back from Colorado to interview on the 20th so I could probably let you know by the 25th" . Like WHAT! Why are you bothering interviewing me at all when you are willing to wait until the end of the month to interview some girl. You've clearly already made your decision why waste my time? I mean its no big loss I already have another job and am starting tomorrow but this was my job in shining armor kinda job. I really wanted to work there because well the clothes are awesome! But whatev. I'm not waiting until the end of the month. So i start officially working tomorrow and I am excited/nervous. What if i make a HUGE mistake and they laugh me out of the store! What if i have a major coughing attack and scare everyone?! I mean cashier-ing seems simple enough Ive done it at all my jobs but still its a new place and its not really like target and there arent any people that I know there already...hopefully I do ok enough that they wanna keep me. The store manager kept telling me hes looking for long term employees so maybe I can work there until I get through school. Who knows. My focus right now is start working and get an apartment! Thats all I am seeing. APARTMENT APARTMENT Apartment!

Lots going on

 Its been a crazy few days. I am just hoping it starts to calm down because I cant take anymore. I started taking my hypertonic saline and guess what! Its still as sucky as I remember and I wish I didnt have to take it. Blah. But I shouldnt complain it could be way worse. So a little gross-ness will make up in the long run. So I must clean the room today, the laundry is just chilling in its basket and I know that drives Isaiah up a wall hehehe. I've been so lazy the last few days. Yesterday I literally slept all day until Isaiah got home and then I had the hardest time going to sleep when it was time for bed. I felt like I had barely slept at all when Isaiah got up for work this morning. And I totally forgot I was supposed to drive him to work so I could help my dad out. I'll give him a call after my meds and let him know. ooooh I have a pepsi in the fridge waiting for me! I am so excited lol! Instead of writing on here during my treatments like I normally do I have been reading Harry Potter again. I love that after everything those books still make me laugh at the same jokes and still makes me sad when something bad is happening. Ive only gotten to the third one but I still love them! Is it totally nerdy that if I could figure out something I wanted I would totally get a Harry Potter inspired tattoo? haha. I cannot wait to be able to start working on my tattoos again. I gotta finish my side then I am moving on to my arm I want to get the little mermaid on my forearm. I want to start planning for my sleeve on my left arm and I have this really cute idea of exactly what I want but Im sure its going to take a while. I'll keep you posted. My cf is good Ive been taking all my meds like I am supposed to and doing my treatments and vests. I think since becoming a part of the cf groups on facebook and seeing what others are going through with the same disease its put me in perspective. Before I started talking to other people I felt like half my life was already over and what was the point in trying if it all ends the same. But i guess that could be said about any life. Nothing is promised and one day I'd rather look back and think "damn that was awesome" rather than knowing I didnt do anything because I was afraid. Ive got a lot to look forward to. Maybe it wont be kids but it'll be doggies and my husband coming home and smiling when he sees me. I had this specific idea of what I thought was important and what I needed and now I realize what I need I already have.

Venting.

  So if you are having a good day you should just leave my bloggy thingy because I am pissed off and I am gonna be complaining a whole bunch. 

 That being said, I woke up this morning and just knew today was gonna be an iffy day. Now I wanna start with that I wont be talking shit about anyone. I wont try to make you all be on my side. I think the problem Im having today is completely fixable but maybe we just shouldnt live where we live. Maybe the saying is true that you just cant live with anyone else once you are married. I know Im starting to feel that way. I want my own space I want to do things my way and not have to worry about other people in the house. And its completely possible that I am taking things way more serious than they actually are. I dont wanna have to live somewhere where there is tension, no matter who its between the rest of the house feels it and the rest of us suffer. So instead of stewing and getting mad and waiting to see how this turns out tonight I was proactive and started applying for jobs, I found an apartment who will possibly lease to my hubby and i on what we make now and we would just have to take the bus to work and what not. And if my car can either get fixed quickly or at this point maybe selling it is the better option and just getting a crappy commuter car would be the way to go...Im ok with not getting to do all the things we always wanna do, or maybe eating crappy food for a bit to just get out of the tension we are in. It could be helpful for everyone involved if we didnt live here. I guess I'll know for sure tonight but I hate waiting for that time to get here. I hate dreading it all day and having it put me in a bad mood with everyone else because I have no idea what the outcome will be all I can say is maybe it would be the best for everyone involved if we lived at our own apartment and came to visit the people we live with. I love them all so much that the thought of not living with them makes me wanna cry but at the same time it might ease the tension if we had our own space and they had theirs. 
  On a happier note i am fixing things.

Driving home

   So today while I was driving home from dropping off Isaiah I passed this houses that was for rent and all I could thinking about was I cannot wait until he and I can afford our own place so that we can start that part of our lives. Not because where we live isn't amazing more because we're about to celebrate our 2nd wedding anniversary and by our 5th one I want to have an apartment and be settled into living there. It got me thinking to what I had to do to make that happen and what comes next in our adventure. He has a full time job already, its me holding us back. A part of that is because I wanted to put off school until A) my car was running again so that I wouldn't have to worry about making sure I knew a bus schedule or had a ride and B) I didn't want to start school before I knew what his plan was for his future. Heck I don't even have a clue what I would study in school. I know a small office type would be ideal. I don't really care what I do I just don't wanna be constantly worrying about money. I'd like to be able to plan a vacation or get a tattoo without having to worry about food or bills. So whatever job lets me do that would be awesome. Maybe I'll look into online schools, maybe they have one for "can't always get to class and would love an education in something office-like so I don't get sick all the time" You think if I typed that into google something would pop up??? .....Yeah I didnt think so either. 
  On a completely different note I am kinda frustrated with people in my life. (seems like thats always the case huh?) I guess what I am having a hard time with is that there was a stupid fight with someone and now we havent spoken in a bit and I miss them but I also dont want to be the one to text or call first. =/ Clearly they arent missing me at all. And as much as I am pretending it doesnt bother me and doesnt make me crazy that we arent talking it does. I think of 100 things a day I want to tell them and they arent there to talk to. I guess it says a lot about our relationship huh? I mean I am too stubborn to reach out and they either dont care or well thats probably it exactly. I guess its not such a big deal, they probably arent thinking of me at all so why should I waste the energy on being mad or hurt at them...I am way to sensitive for my own good...Makes me wanna text them now but I dont see the point they'll probably just ignore me. God being a girl is tough lol. HARRY POTTER TONIGHT!!!!!!! xoxoxoxoxoxoxo

Harry Potter

   In less than a week my childhood will officially be over. The final Harry Potter film will be released and boy I am sad. It better be mind blowing. I hate that I am so excited about it and that I know deep down that movies never live up to the amazing-ness of the books. I can't imagine being this excited about any other movie in my whole life. I want it to be the 15th already! I wanna see it and I wanna see it as many times as my little wallet will let me! Which will probably be once. But hey a girl can dream right?! 
   Ugh I have my specialist appointment on Monday and I just wanna get it over with. They'll probably have me do blood work and boring stuff. I have to remember to do the glucose stuff when I get back home too otherwise my doctor might actually kill me. I really need to start going back to the gym. No use paying for it when I am not going and I'd like to tone a few areas before I finish my side tattoo so I can start on my next one! OMG I WANT ONE SOOOO BAD! It is definitely tough living on a tiny budget. BUT my dad says his friend is gonna come check out my car this friday and I am reallllllllly hoping its gonna get fixed soon because I MISS MY CAR! She is so sad looking all parked outside my dads house with no love and no loud music pumping out of her speakers. And my amazing gas mileage and the cutesy green color it is. Now a few years ago I hated this car I wanted something so much cooler but its been over a year since Ive driven her and I am missing my car soooo bad! She is such a great little car and has always taken car of me. I need to get her running again! Make her all pretty and happy =) My sisters left for Kansas on the 6th and it has been the longest 3 days everrrrrrr! I miss them like crazy even though we drive each other crazy lol. I am glad they are having fun though! Ok I am going to return to my Harry Potter marathon. I CANNOT WAIT UNTIL FRIDAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

   So nanny is back in the hospital, it's frustrating that they can't seem to figure out what is going on or even agree upon a treatment plan. I've dealt with doctors forever and I've never had so many damn problems with doctors. Just makes me angry I guess. And I think it is totally affecting me. I am rarely hungry now, which is weird because I am always hungry, I am not sleeping well, I'm just generally unhappy. And I know it must be noticeable because even Isaiah is noticing it. He asked me yesterday what he could do to make my happy. I'm not so much unhappy with anything in particular other than nanny being so sick but I guess I am not good either. I've been kinda pulling away from everyone, not returning texts, hiding out in my room. Idk. 

    Right now I am watching 500 Days of Summer, it's so cute so far. So the plan for July as it stands right now is a) buy my little brother a bday present and actually take my sister for hers, b) get my tattoo finished, c) do something awesome for our anniversary and if possible d) get a new piercing (what can I say I am addicted.) I definitely wanna spend more time with family and have a few bbqs. And I seriously need to start hitting the gym again. No use paying for it when I am not going lol.

My Bestie

   My bestie brought it to my attention that I am majorly slacking on my blog. Sorry babe!! It's been a little bit since I've written and I can't remember where I left you guys off. So we will just go with whats up. My nanny finally got out of the hospital. And even though I have CF and am a frequent visitor to the hospital I don't do well with people I love being there. I kind of disappeared for most of her visit. =( I suck I know. 

   So I am getting really restless with myself lately. I wanna change my hair again or something. I just don't know what I wanna do. Being blonde is fun but I dont like how dark my roots are. I tend to get to the blonde I wanna be and then I change it. I am having a hard time focusing today I keep getting distracted by facebook or my tv. The Goofy Movie is on and its one of my favorites!!! I can't help myself. Well since I can't seem to concentrate I'll add more tomorrow. xoxo
    

OMG

    I seriously just almost had a panic attack, I've been away from the computer for a looooong time and for some reason my blog was no where to be found! It kept saying I didnt exist so I looked at myself and said "YES I DO WHERE IS MY BLOG MR.BLOGSPOT?! My entire profile was missing, no picture, no info, nothing. But here we are and I am so happy my blog is still intact. YAY!!!! Do the happy dance! 

    So why I have been away so long I did promise to go into what was going on with my "dad" the next time I wrote but things got hectic in my personal life and oh boy its been crazy. My nanny (moms mom) had to have surgery, she has diverticulitis and had a surgery in the 1980s that has caused her stomach problems for most of my life so she was hospitalized again for the pains in her stomach and she had surgery on Thursday, they removed a bunch of scar tissue and now she should be on her way to recovery, so hopefully there won't be any more problems and she'll be up and running in a few weeks =) 

    Now we'll do a quick recap of my life and my issues with "dad". He left me and my mom when I was less than a year old, he was addicted to drugs most of my life and popped up when I was 20. But not before calling me when I was like 7 and promising to play Candyland with me when he sobered up, needless to say I have trust issues. Especially because he didn't get sober until I was 20. I met him, it was incredibly awkward and his girlfriend didn't like me too much. We texted because I am not much of a phone person, I always struggle with what to say so I am more comfortable with texting. And she convinced him that texting wasn't enough so he and I had several fights and at one point he said the words that I'll never forgive "your mom was right you are a spoiled little bitch" So I froze him out and didn't bother caring when I didnt text daily or return his calls. I talked to him once last year and it was after my birthday. Then by thanksgiving he had fallen off the face of the earth again, I didnt know what to think so I texted on holidays and when he didnt return my texts I was indifferent. Then my nanny called around and found out from his current girlfriend that he thought we would have this amazing relationship and we would talk everyday, so I didnt text him after that until my nanny got sick. He couldnt even text me back. I called him on his birthday just to bring home the point that you may forget me and my important days but I wont forget yours and he texted me and said he "wasnt in a good place to talk" whatever that means. So Ive been angry and annoyed and borderline psycho thinking about driving to where he lives and beating him with something hard and metal but jail time doesnt seem worth it and I cant imagine it would do wonders for my CF. And then the day of the surgery I texted him and  told him and guess what! He answered! It was crazy.  Says he was being selfish and he wants to see me. I dont know if he is being sincere or if he feels like he has to do this to get into heaven on October 21st lol. All I know is I dont need another "man" coming into my life just to run and hide when they get their feelings hurt. 


     Well I am off to watch Sex and the City and lay in bed until Isaiah gets home.

1,2,3, 1

   So in the car driving today on our adventure I noticed that I count. I count cars I count the little dots in the middle of the road I count brake lights, I count trees, I count pretty much anything. But only to 3 and then its back to 1. I was thinking about why I do this and what it means. I worried maybe I am crazy, maybe my brain can't remember the number 4...maybe if I counted past 3 I would just continue counting until I a) ran out of numbers or b) lost my mind completely. And its all the time not just in cars but when I walk somewhere...when I run at the gym I count everything, people coming in, people leaving, cars driving past, how many times I change the song on my ipod before I find one worth listening to. I don't know when it started I remember counting when I was little when I walked somewhere I would try to make it to six steps in one square of the sidewalk..but then I was counting to 6 and then back to 1...somewhere along my aging I've lost 4, 5, and 6 now its just 3. 1, 2, 3, 1, 1, 2, 3, 1. I dont know how to explain it. When I watch tv I trace certain words on my leg. Anything that catches my hearing I doodle out in cursive on my leg. I count to relieve anxiety in the car, maybe out of fear that if I dont I will become a backseat driver and point out things that I notice the driver is doing that I wouldnt do. Im not sure.  Maybe to keep me from becoming car sick. Or completely convinced that I am going to die in a car accident. Counting is comforting but at the same time nerve racking. Why can i not get to 4? Who knows? Maybe its just being apart of my family has driven me insane that I have to count so that I dont flip out and kill everybody...just kidding. Hmm something to think about I guess. Tomorrow I think I will discover why my dad bothers me so much....til then xoxox

grr

   So I am feeling icky. I have been having good days and bad lately, like for the past few weeks I have been running a higher body temperature, and then my nose is all congested and now today my throat is killing me and I can't really talk all the much. Which I hate because I love to talk haha. I hate feeling bad. Hopefully I will start to feel better soon otherwise I am going to have to go to the doctors. There are definitely days I wish this wasn't a normal thing for me. I wish I didn't have to deal with all the cf bs but its not so bad. I definitely have it better than some people and I just need to remember that. So hopefully some dayquil and tea will make me feel better soon. I might have to go get myself some amazing soup. =)

My First

    So I have never actually written a blog before but I've wanted to for a while now. I am incredibly shy and have a hard time coming out of my shell. So I think this will help me be more open to people. 
    Well I think I just bruised my thumb, I was sitting here thinking of what I should say..well really I was watching Toy Story 3 and wasn't really focused when this GIANT bug flew caught my eye and landed on my desk so instead of grabbing one of the many shoes that are around me I decided to try and kill it with my wallet and smashed my thumb in my desk in the process. Boy I am talented. I am naturally very clumsy so this will probably happen more than once today. I didn't just start my blog to open up to people I started it so I can share with people about my life and what goes on day to day in the life of Moose (...sorry thats a nickname I should have explained) Basically with all the CF stuff, the being married stuff, living in a small town where everyone knows your business, you'll read it all here. All my thoughts, feelings and concerns I hope this wasn't too boring. =)